how i know

recently i've had some experiences that have caused me to reflect upon how i know what i know.

if any of my children ever wonder what i know or how i know, i hope i can explain simply so they don't misunderstand me.

sharing all that i know and how i know would take much too long. but here's what i will share today.

our little family - halloween 2012

what has led to what i know

i was born in the faith. my paternal grandparents converted to the LDS faith in the Netherlands, and my mother's line in the Church goes farther back than Nauvoo.  both my parents served missions. my parents are also divorced.

because eternal families are often a big part of our testimonies as members of the Church, when a family doesn't succeed, one is often led to ask, "how did this happen?", "what does this mean about all that i've ever believed? about my family? about my faith? about my family in my faith?"

i once met a sister when i worked at Deseret Book who looked like she had seen better days. her physical appearance was rough and unkept. her eyes revealed her spirit had experienced the same. i think at heart she wanted to come in to feel some kind of the Spirit she hoped would bring her peace, but her mouth wanted to contend with how the Church doesn't accept broken families, and how her and her children felt unwanted at Church.  she carried deep, deep wounds. i felt for her, because i know her insecurities mostly came from not so much those around her, but within herself and not understanding yet how her "broken" family still fit into the gospel plan.

what i want to say to her and to anyone else who may have felt the same way is "of course you fit in; you fit in here, you fit in there at Church, and you especially fit in with God, Who is the Healer of all broken things."

all i was able to tell her then was that i knew in part how she felt. i, too, am a child of a broken family, at one point i, too, wondered how i fit in, at church with intact families and in the plan that seemed to only apply to intact, "eternal" families. however, i feel the answers to her question comes down to the basic premises of the restored gospel, which basics i know to be true.

my faith in and testimony of these premises are multifaceted, like a gem, which is why it would take too long to explain in one sitting. but here are some of the facets of my testimony:

the plan of salvation
the eternal nature, and reality of the Godhead
the reality of God the Father
the presence and power of God the Son
the purpose and power of God the Holy Ghost
the role of prayer in testimony
the power of scripture study in testimony
the reality of and usefulness of the Atonement
the protection and power that comes from authorized covenants
the power of repentance
the experience of the First Vision
the development of and perfecting of the Church through revelation
the principle of revelation

holding fast to and developing these facets of my testimony, i've learned some lessons as i've sought answers to my questions about my family and the gospel plan:

1) the act of divorce is not the problem, it is the behavior that causes/leads to the divorce that is the real issue. God divorced one third of His children who chose not to follow the plan, or should i say, one third of God's children divorced themselves from God because they chose not to follow the plan? Abraham sent Haagar away with Ishmael, that was a type of divorcement. Nephi separated from his brothers who chronically sought to take away his life: that was a type of divorcement. every time we cut ourselves off from God through disobedience, that is a type of divorcement.

2) what's not made right in this life, will be made right in the next.  i once served at a seminary for special needs teenagers. the seminary principal there was kind to hear out my struggle and questions regarding my broken family.  he told me that in his position of service at Church, he saw couples whose marriages weren't eternal in nature, though sealed in the temple. and that if these couples did not make things right in their marriage in this life, they would likely no longer be married in the next.

in summary, i know the principles below to be true from every nook and cranny of my heart:

1) God is no respecter of persons. He will not withhold blessings from those who have faithfully lived for them.
and
2) God is the Great Restorer. He will always make up for that which is lost.

what it means to be a mother

recently i was invited to help out with a site focused on helping single mothers.

i am honored to have the chance to help other women.

i am not a single mother myself, but two women close to me are currently in such circumstances. reflecting upon these women's struggles, and the tenderness of single motherhood, i couldn't help but think about the beauty that is motherhood, whether single or married.

wanting to understand the unique struggles of single mothers led me to find and read some single mothers' blogs.

themes within their blogs stood out to me: how they love being a mom, how things turned out different than they originally expected, how it can be lonely.

the loneliness part is what gets me. i sometimes feel lonely when the hubby is gone for a day at work. and i couldn't imagine not being able to look forward to a loving husband coming home to give my hands a break.

this brings me to two ideas that represent motherhood to me.

1) "mother of all living" - First woman, Eve, was given her name which means "mother of all living" before she bore children. Her identity and role as "mother" preceded her maternity (as noted in one of my favorite books of all time "A Quiet Heart" by Patricia T. Holland). Not only did her motherly role exist before she had children but her gifts, her instincts, her innate desires to nurture, as woman were for "all living". this means all women, as daughters of Eve, are mothers, whether or not they've experienced maternity. have you ever seen a little girl rock and sing to a doll? or play house? her instincts obviously precede maternity.

what does it mean to be a mother of all living to you?

2) mothering/motherhood is best done in groups - i occasionally listened to NPR on the radio. one day i heard one of the British NPR reporters share findings on a study on the social connection of mother monkeys and the outcomes for their offspring.

the findings were that mother monkeys who mothered in groups had offspring who were healthier, brighter, stronger, and excelled in their environments. while mother monkeys who mothered alone, secluded from other mother monkeys, had offspring that were less healthy, demonstrated lower IQs, and were more likely to die young.

don't you feel this principle applies to us humans, too?

we need each other.  we are built that way. it works amazingly well that way. perhaps by design.

so while we can go about and "mother" or give life to all living, let us go about and give life to each other, including another mother, your neighbor, sister, associate, or friend. thus reaping the blessings of what it means to be a mother.

a few women who have been a "mother" to me

grandma howard

my mom

my older sister

my little sister

my step-mom

my mother-in-law

my sis-in-law janice

my sis-in-law kaili

my sis-in-law anela

my aunty allyce

my aunty jo

my cousin erin

my mission mom

if i were to include every woman who has ever helped me, blogger would exlpode. 

thank you all. you've done so much for me. mahalo nui loa.

touching heaven

for a few moments tonight i touched heaven.

the baby woke up and wanted some snuggles. i took him to the hubby's and my bed and we snugged. then when he didn't want to snuggle anymore he rolled around the bed and all over me. this is his new routine to help himself fall back asleep. he rolls into one position for a few minutes, lays there, awake, pondering i guess, then rolls into another position.

i took the opportunity to study and admire his perfect little feet while they were in my face, and remember when he was first born. i memorized the lines that groove his footprint, and imagined the grown man's feet they would become one day.

i let myself soak in the precious moments of his little-ness.  he won't be small for long, and these moments i will never have again. i let myself be still with him. what a funny boy.

when i thought he was asleep, i excused myself quietly from the bed. he awoke and stared at me. hoping i could get him back to sleep fast, i quickly laid myself back on the edge of the bed, my back to him.

i turned just as i saw him crawl towards me and then roll over me, settling for a declined position with his feet resting on my hip.

i touched heaven tonight, because of my baby boy.

i am grateful to be a mother.

37 weeks - brand new from the hospital

about a month old

"the hand that rocks the cradle..." - william ross wallace

tonight when i was putting baby down for bed, i sang him a song i hadn't sung to him in a while. it's a children's song that talks about how Jesus wants us to be happy and shine for him each day.

as i sang the chorus, baby started laughing hysterically. i was trying to figure out why my singing was suddenly sooo hilarious. then my wonderful neurons brought to my consciousness the memory of the last time i sung/sang (? the weirdest word(s) ever) that song to him.

two months back when i first sang the song, i sung the chorus in an exaggerated fashion so as to get baby to laugh. now he remembers the song as funny to him. (bless those neurons; they served baby well tonight)

in conclusion, i've been told that kids pick up on/pay attention to more than we realize. my ten month old just proved that true tonight. i'm grateful we have a powerful organ of a brain to help us not forget. and i hope the stimuli my baby's neurons absorb are good.

i hope i use baby's powerfully formative early days and months well. for "the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world." - William Ross Wallace 

baby with grandpa