of cookies and wedges

photo from http://sallysbakingaddiction.com. for awesome cookie recipes, click here.

on the cookie later...

so much love is in my heart as i write my thoughts today. for those i love most are on my mind in writing this.

i once heard a talk given about wedges, from one of my favorite speakers and spiritual leaders, President Thomas S. Monson. i remember the talk leaving a profound impression on me. to read the full talk click here.

the talk was based off of the following story provided by Samuel T Whitman.

 “The ice storm [that winter] wasn’t generally destructive. True, a few wires came down, and there was a sudden jump in accidents along the highway. … Normally, the big walnut tree could easily have borne the weight that formed on its spreading limbs. It was the iron wedge in its heart that caused the damage.

“The story of the iron wedge began years ago when the white-haired farmer [who now inhabited the property on which it stood] was a lad on his father’s homestead. The sawmill had then only recently been moved from the valley, and the settlers were still finding tools and odd pieces of equipment scattered about. …

“On this particular day, it was a faller’s wedge—wide, flat, and heavy, a foot or more long, and splayed from mighty poundings [—which the lad found] … in the south pasture. [A faller’s wedge, used to help fell a tree, is inserted in a cut made by a saw and then struck with a sledge hammer to widen the cut.] … Because he was already late for dinner, the lad laid the wedge … between the limbs of the young walnut tree his father had planted near the front gate. He would take the wedge to the shed right after dinner, or sometime when he was going that way.

“He truly meant to, but he never did. [The wedge] was there between the limbs, a little tight, when he attained his manhood. It was there, now firmly gripped, when he married and took over his father’s farm. It was half grown over on the day the threshing crew ate dinner under the tree. … Grown in and healed over, the wedge was still in the tree the winter the ice storm came.

“In the chill silence of that wintry night … one of the three major limbs split away from the trunk and crashed to the ground. This so unbalanced the remainder of the top that it, too, split apart and went down. When the storm was over, not a twig of the once-proud tree remained.

“Early the next morning, the farmer went out to mourn his loss. …

“Then, his eyes caught sight of something in the splintered ruin. ‘The wedge,’ he muttered reproachfully. ‘The wedge I found in the south pasture.’ A glance told him why the tree had fallen. Growing, edge-up in the trunk, the wedge had prevented the limb fibers from knitting together as they should.” ¹

President Monson compared the story of this tree to the danger of leaving wedges in relationships because of the unwillingness to forgive another's offense. he also touched on the blessings from preventing wedges from ever entering or even staying around too long if a wedge has been left to fester.

He continued: "The spirit must be freed from tethers so strong and feelings never put to rest, so that the lift of life may give buoyancy to the soul. In many families, there are hurt feelings and a reluctance to forgive. It doesn’t really matter what the issue was. It cannot and should not be left to injure. Blame keeps wounds open. Only forgiveness heals. George Herbert, an early 17th-century poet, wrote these lines: “He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach heaven, for everyone has need of forgiveness.”

i have known the sorrow, struggle, and pain that comes from being left with the negative consequences of another's choices. i have also known the freedom, joy, and peace that comes from letting the pain from such offenses go. and some i have had to let go again, and again. 

when an offense is serious enough where it requires appropriate distance and separation from the offender, that is to be understood. i know from experience and do understand, that wounds, deep enough, often require time and distance for needed healing, and that it may even take some time to let it go. that, too, is to be understood. 

i also know from experience that there comes a point where, to further the healing and peace that is needed, it requires we let go of the pain and move on to the joy that awaits.

the last thing we need is pain to define who we are as a person.  there is so much more to our existence than pain. 

that being said, to forgive an offender and forget the injury, doesn't necessarily require everything goes back to the way things were before.  in fact, i would hope we would be more apt to set and sustain appropriate and healthy boundaries that would protect us from getting hurt again and protect the offender from offending again. healthy boundaries benefit all.

as i have also heard it put: you can forgive the thief who stole from your home, but that does not mean you leave your door unlocked again. 

so your trust has been broken and someone let you down. what now?

maybe you've let someone down or broken someone's trust? what to do? i'm confident we've all come short in this regard.

a law of the universe exists and works everyday, sometimes referred to as the "law of the harvest;" i also fondly call it the "law of the boomerang," or "law of restoration," or even the "law of justice." choose your pick.

this law establishes that what we put out must return the way we sent it out. or in other words, dirt clods on a cookie sheet will never be chocolate chip cookies (i love food; many of my personal analogies involve food). in the case of dirt clods and cookies, the laws of chemistry make dirt dirt, and sugar, butter, flour, egg, chocolate chips, etc. chocolate chip cookies.

it is the same. everywhere. in all that we do (or don't do).

quality of input = quality of output

etc.  it's just how it works. and thankfully it does, because it makes it the most reliable pattern in the universe. i love all things reliable, like math, and toyotas...

why did i bring up this law? because it applies to all things, especially relationships.

if we want forgiveness for our mistakes, we must offer it to others. if we want love and friendship, we must also offer it to others. corn seeds grow corn, and apple seeds, apples. reliable? yes. totally awesome.

there's a line in one of my favorite hymns that expounds on this law most beautifully:

Our Savior's love 
Shines like the sun with perfect light,
As from above 
It breaks through clouds of strife.
Lighting our way,
It leads us back into his sight,
Where we may stay 
To share eternal life.

i bolded the word "share" because it is the point of it all: we receive what we give out, sooner or later. in this verse of hymn, it means that to have eternal life is to share it, to give it away to others. eternal life is not and will never be a selfish existence.

this i have learned for myself. i share thoughts and feelings on this law and on wedges, in hopes that we might all trust these laws and principles, that we might enjoy the blessings that follow from living these laws and principles more fully.

all my love,

juli

another lovely cookie pic. yum.

Gentle

Retrieved from resources0.news.com.au

I let someone down today. It's hard when many depend on you. And it doesn't make it easy when you are in positions that are open to scrutinization.

Just a word to those who are let down, or find themselves feeling offended: Please. Be gentle. It will often, if not always, be the case the imperfect human you find yourself offended at never dreamed of giving you any offense. Your spoken and even unspoken wrath, however deserved or undeserved, crushes a tender soul, be that was your intent or not.

In today's case, I'd like to believe the "crushing" was not intended.

I once heard it said, "To be offended when offense was meant is to be a fool. To be offended when no offense was meant is to be a greater fool."  May I never be a fool.

To those who find that they have unintentionally offended or wounded another, and have become aware of the fact, I tell you, I feel your pain. Because it is painful, if you sincerely meant no offense.

Or if you did intend to offend, and have realized the full impact of your actions, and now regret your choice, I tell you, I feel your pain.

Where from here??

Some words from one of my favorite songs come to mind...

"Gentle", by Michael McLean

Like a gentle wind can blow the clouds from the sky,
Like a gentle touch can ease the pain of goodbye,
Like a gentle smile embraces
Empty souls in lonely places,
We should be more gentle with ourselves

Like the Shepherd leads His flock with gentle commands,
With His gentle words that only hearts understand
One thing that I know for certain
He has born the awful burden
So I can be gentle with myself 

how i know

recently i've had some experiences that have caused me to reflect upon how i know what i know.

if any of my children ever wonder what i know or how i know, i hope i can explain simply so they don't misunderstand me.

sharing all that i know and how i know would take much too long. but here's what i will share today.

our little family - halloween 2012

what has led to what i know

i was born in the faith. my paternal grandparents converted to the LDS faith in the Netherlands, and my mother's line in the Church goes farther back than Nauvoo.  both my parents served missions. my parents are also divorced.

because eternal families are often a big part of our testimonies as members of the Church, when a family doesn't succeed, one is often led to ask, "how did this happen?", "what does this mean about all that i've ever believed? about my family? about my faith? about my family in my faith?"

i once met a sister when i worked at Deseret Book who looked like she had seen better days. her physical appearance was rough and unkept. her eyes revealed her spirit had experienced the same. i think at heart she wanted to come in to feel some kind of the Spirit she hoped would bring her peace, but her mouth wanted to contend with how the Church doesn't accept broken families, and how her and her children felt unwanted at Church.  she carried deep, deep wounds. i felt for her, because i know her insecurities mostly came from not so much those around her, but within herself and not understanding yet how her "broken" family still fit into the gospel plan.

what i want to say to her and to anyone else who may have felt the same way is "of course you fit in; you fit in here, you fit in there at Church, and you especially fit in with God, Who is the Healer of all broken things."

all i was able to tell her then was that i knew in part how she felt. i, too, am a child of a broken family, at one point i, too, wondered how i fit in, at church with intact families and in the plan that seemed to only apply to intact, "eternal" families. however, i feel the answers to her question comes down to the basic premises of the restored gospel, which basics i know to be true.

my faith in and testimony of these premises are multifaceted, like a gem, which is why it would take too long to explain in one sitting. but here are some of the facets of my testimony:

the plan of salvation
the eternal nature, and reality of the Godhead
the reality of God the Father
the presence and power of God the Son
the purpose and power of God the Holy Ghost
the role of prayer in testimony
the power of scripture study in testimony
the reality of and usefulness of the Atonement
the protection and power that comes from authorized covenants
the power of repentance
the experience of the First Vision
the development of and perfecting of the Church through revelation
the principle of revelation

holding fast to and developing these facets of my testimony, i've learned some lessons as i've sought answers to my questions about my family and the gospel plan:

1) the act of divorce is not the problem, it is the behavior that causes/leads to the divorce that is the real issue. God divorced one third of His children who chose not to follow the plan, or should i say, one third of God's children divorced themselves from God because they chose not to follow the plan? Abraham sent Haagar away with Ishmael, that was a type of divorcement. Nephi separated from his brothers who chronically sought to take away his life: that was a type of divorcement. every time we cut ourselves off from God through disobedience, that is a type of divorcement.

2) what's not made right in this life, will be made right in the next.  i once served at a seminary for special needs teenagers. the seminary principal there was kind to hear out my struggle and questions regarding my broken family.  he told me that in his position of service at Church, he saw couples whose marriages weren't eternal in nature, though sealed in the temple. and that if these couples did not make things right in their marriage in this life, they would likely no longer be married in the next.

in summary, i know the principles below to be true from every nook and cranny of my heart:

1) God is no respecter of persons. He will not withhold blessings from those who have faithfully lived for them.
and
2) God is the Great Restorer. He will always make up for that which is lost.

diy natural bronzer (spices)

as a wife of a college student and a mother to an 11-month old, i have a personal goal that is three-fold: 1) pinch pennies, 2) go natural/green, and 3) become more self-reliant.

for the last few months i've been in a battle to look my best without having to buy expensive makeup, let a lone put on and take off the makeup daily. before, my go-to makeup was concealer, bronzer, eyeliner, and mascara (somewhat minimalist - which is actually "in"). but with dwindling funds, my makeup routine has been only concealer and eyeliner (much more minimalist). thankfully, with summer tans, bronzer hasn't been needed as much.

however, i still believe in looking my best, so at some point, when winter approaches and i become less tan, i will be looking to a bronzer to finish my look.

thankfully, i have found the answer. hello to diy natural homemade bronzer!

image taken from blog.freepeople.com

the recipe is super simple, super natural, and oh so fun.

i found the recipe at this site. and here it is...

ground cinnamon

ground nutmeg

cocoa powder (i use carob powder)

cornstarch

a clean, seal-able container

play around with the quantities of each ingredient to get the right shade. and that's it! 

hint: cocoa/carob powder will make the bronzer darker, cinnamon will enhance the glow, etc.

enjoy!

what other amazing diy natural makeup products have you found or that you use?

mission memories

a week or so ago i heard my hubby speak to some youth preparing to be full-time missionaries. the experience led me to reflect upon some of my own experiences as a full-time missionary in the Texas Fort Worth mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

i made the decision to serve a mission early on. i remember first feeling the fire and desire as a four year old when we lived in Colorado and we had missionaries over for dinner. i noticed something noble about them. i wanted to be noble, too.

i also had this cassette tape (yes, i am that old) of children songs by music composers of my faith that i'd listen to. one song i particularly felt fire with was a song called "I Hope They Call Me On a Mission."  i'd play that song over and over and over as a four year old.

growing up i'd hear my mother's stories from her mission. she was called to serve among the Navajos around the Four Corners area. and looking back, all those stories, the songs, the feelings i felt, the people i observed and looked up to, were solidifying that goal and dream to serve a mission.

i saw many miracles on my mission. i saw the hand of God working for the people i met everyday. Heavenly Father let me feel a piece of the love He has for all His children. the love i felt was so pure and so powerful, that there were moments i thought i would burst. i'm grateful Heavenly Father entrusted the sharing of His precious message to His precious children for the few months that were my full-time mission.

one man i was blessed to meet has particularly come to mind.

we'll call him Brother Peters.

i met Brother Peters my first few weeks in the mission. he was baptized a member of the Church at the age of eight in the Salt Lake Tabernacle (in his day that was available). when he was 16 years, the friends he hung around led him to drink and smoke. he married, began a family, and he realized he wanted and needed the Church and its blessings back in his life. he quit smoking and introduced his then wife, to the Church.

my trainer and i in our first area

he fell back into old habits after two years of being back in the Church. he and his family stopped going to church and didn't go back.

i met Brother Peters as a 75-year-old, living in an assisted living home, on oxygen, because his lungs were slowly filling with liquid.

we invited him to study the scriptures, we invited him to Church, and we invited him to pray. however, Brother Peters didn't see the need for any of these things.

missionaries know when you teach someone who won't progress, you need to let them go; meaning, you stop scheduling appointments to teach the individual, until they are ready to progress. our purpose as missionaries are to find and teach those willing to progress. and because Brother Peters continued to choose not to progress, we had to let him go.

it was hard for my companion and i. Brother Peters had grown comfortable with our weekly visits and wasn't too ecstatic about us leaving. but i knew it was the right thing to do.

when i first met Brother Peters i imagined him coming back to the Church, finding his testimony again, tasting the joy that is in the restored gospel. and i knew there would be joy that would follow his return to the Church.

as he walked us to the door and we said our goodbye's, i wasn't sure i'd ever see Brother Peters again. but somewhere i felt i would.

two weeks later when we received a phone call from Brother Peters. he had read some of the Book of Mormon and he wanted to go to Church.

i cried when i saw the wrinkled old man, with his walker and oxygen, approach the doors of the church house.

my heart swelled with gratitude again when i saw Brother Peters partake of the sacrament after over 50 years of being without that wonderful blessing and opportunity.

after leaving the area, i would ask the missionaries in the area how Brother Peters was doing. i was told Brother Peters was faithful and never missed Church. even with worsening health, and after moving to another assisted living center, he was an active attendee of his local congregation.

Brother Peters was my miracle. i treasure the blessing of knowing him.

what it means to be a mother

recently i was invited to help out with a site focused on helping single mothers.

i am honored to have the chance to help other women.

i am not a single mother myself, but two women close to me are currently in such circumstances. reflecting upon these women's struggles, and the tenderness of single motherhood, i couldn't help but think about the beauty that is motherhood, whether single or married.

wanting to understand the unique struggles of single mothers led me to find and read some single mothers' blogs.

themes within their blogs stood out to me: how they love being a mom, how things turned out different than they originally expected, how it can be lonely.

the loneliness part is what gets me. i sometimes feel lonely when the hubby is gone for a day at work. and i couldn't imagine not being able to look forward to a loving husband coming home to give my hands a break.

this brings me to two ideas that represent motherhood to me.

1) "mother of all living" - First woman, Eve, was given her name which means "mother of all living" before she bore children. Her identity and role as "mother" preceded her maternity (as noted in one of my favorite books of all time "A Quiet Heart" by Patricia T. Holland). Not only did her motherly role exist before she had children but her gifts, her instincts, her innate desires to nurture, as woman were for "all living". this means all women, as daughters of Eve, are mothers, whether or not they've experienced maternity. have you ever seen a little girl rock and sing to a doll? or play house? her instincts obviously precede maternity.

what does it mean to be a mother of all living to you?

2) mothering/motherhood is best done in groups - i occasionally listened to NPR on the radio. one day i heard one of the British NPR reporters share findings on a study on the social connection of mother monkeys and the outcomes for their offspring.

the findings were that mother monkeys who mothered in groups had offspring who were healthier, brighter, stronger, and excelled in their environments. while mother monkeys who mothered alone, secluded from other mother monkeys, had offspring that were less healthy, demonstrated lower IQs, and were more likely to die young.

don't you feel this principle applies to us humans, too?

we need each other.  we are built that way. it works amazingly well that way. perhaps by design.

so while we can go about and "mother" or give life to all living, let us go about and give life to each other, including another mother, your neighbor, sister, associate, or friend. thus reaping the blessings of what it means to be a mother.

a few women who have been a "mother" to me

grandma howard

my mom

my older sister

my little sister

my step-mom

my mother-in-law

my sis-in-law janice

my sis-in-law kaili

my sis-in-law anela

my aunty allyce

my aunty jo

my cousin erin

my mission mom

if i were to include every woman who has ever helped me, blogger would exlpode. 

thank you all. you've done so much for me. mahalo nui loa.

touching heaven

for a few moments tonight i touched heaven.

the baby woke up and wanted some snuggles. i took him to the hubby's and my bed and we snugged. then when he didn't want to snuggle anymore he rolled around the bed and all over me. this is his new routine to help himself fall back asleep. he rolls into one position for a few minutes, lays there, awake, pondering i guess, then rolls into another position.

i took the opportunity to study and admire his perfect little feet while they were in my face, and remember when he was first born. i memorized the lines that groove his footprint, and imagined the grown man's feet they would become one day.

i let myself soak in the precious moments of his little-ness.  he won't be small for long, and these moments i will never have again. i let myself be still with him. what a funny boy.

when i thought he was asleep, i excused myself quietly from the bed. he awoke and stared at me. hoping i could get him back to sleep fast, i quickly laid myself back on the edge of the bed, my back to him.

i turned just as i saw him crawl towards me and then roll over me, settling for a declined position with his feet resting on my hip.

i touched heaven tonight, because of my baby boy.

i am grateful to be a mother.

37 weeks - brand new from the hospital

about a month old